[[ Trapped Behind The Windows]]

Tuesday 13 September 2011

[[Drowning in work]]

Somehow I just feel like crying. Life hasn't been bad, in fact, it seems better than last time, but I feel an unseen presence that's threatening this very peace of mine. I want to take up yet another job, making myself work harder, working my brain harder so I wouldn't think so much. I'm crazy, I know, that's why I'm admitted to the IMH. But I also know that if i were to really get another job, my dear dear will really get pissed off. He was already worried sick when I told him about my other job for my ex-boss (apparently, not so ex now). I totally understand where he's coming from. If I were in his shoes, I would also be worried to the max, especially if that person is one of my friends or someone I'm close to. At least he understands my reasons for accepting the job eventually and he's keeping a lookout for me just in case anything is to happen. Many people will never be able to see things the way I do, which is why there is always some communication breakdown between the world and I. Most of the time, he won't be able to view things like how I do and reach the same conclusion I do, but both of us will give and take. While he will try and see things from my point of view, I will try and understand why he wants things that manner. So far, we haven't fought yet. I guess.

Supposed to start work later, but cause of my collegue is having eye infection and it is really very terrible, I offered to help her tomorrow, which means I'll have to work yet another full-time. I hope she's fine. I heard eye infection can make people go blink. And since her ambition is to look above average, being blink will just make her lose everything that she has been working towards. But I'm not complaining, after all, I want money and I want to drown myself in work, something that I can see and I am in control of. But it also means that all my plans have to be changed. I was planning on finishing my present for my dear dear by tomorrow since I'm meeting him on thursday, and our 2 month anniversary is on friday but I'm working that day. Can't find anyone to cover for me so I'll have to settle with the thursday. Lesser time to complete the hearts I'm making for him. I'll post some other time. I really need to make some hearts, get some sleep and start work tomorrow.

[[Trapped Behind The Windows]]*|09:08|

Saturday 10 September 2011

[[Limits]]

Recently, there are many things that have been eating away at my heart, yet I'm unable to share it with anyone. To begin with, I studied at IMH while taking up 2 jobs. I just got the second job recently but I wasn't looking for anymore jobs. My ex-boss requested that I return and do reporting again. So there I am. I haven't gotten around to telling my parents about it, but I know they'll think that I'm insane (which I do not deny) yet they'll support me. Even though it's ironic, I know that in their hearts, they have always thought that I was always doing nothing so they'll definitely feel that with the addition of another job, I will not laze around anymore. Furthermore, they never got over the fact that I quitted it because of some 'stupid' reason. However, for those of my friends who knows the truth, I know they are all worrying for me. I know I shouldn't have accepted it but I wanted to prove to my parents and mainly to myself that I am no longer affected by anything and I have grown. I considered it for a long period of time and after I made that decision, I know there's no going back. But it doesn't mean that I won't pull out when history repeats itself. More than anything, I want to prove that I know what to do when the same kind of things happen again.

My parents and grandparents just came back from holidays today. My brother gave away the fact that I didn't go to work at my current workplace (none of my family knows I took up a second job).My mum was screaming her head off at me, declaring that I was a major liar cause I told her that I'm not free as I'll be working almost everyday. Then she decided to start pointing out every flaw of mine again. At least I'm not as crazy as I am, I stopped getting worked up at everything she said, I didn't even bother to correct her anymore. I just let her vent her frustration, no point telling her that I'm actually taking another job, she wouldn't believe me and she'll definitely see it as rebelling. Sometimes I really wonder, people always tell us that nobody is perfect, but when we point out the elder's mistakes, it's either considered rebellious or rude. I learnt my lesson after so many years, I'll just let them say what they want. If they ever find out I took up 2 jobs without telling them, I will just say I forgot and shut up after that. I know they'll have alot of things to comment about.

No joke that sometimes, I'll lose my cool and yell alongside with them. That was mostly in the past when I'm still a childish kid who can't control her emotions. Now I'm mostly aiming to be emotionless. Since the day I've decided to stop acting immature, I haven't flared up at anyone yet. There are times when I almost did, almost. There are so many things going on in my mind that I can feel the string being pulled harder and harder, to the extent that it's going to snap soon. I wonder what will become of me if it really snaps. Will IMH decides that I'm too insane for them? I wonder, I really do.

[[Trapped Behind The Windows]]*|09:29|

Saturday 3 September 2011

[[Dinner with family]]

Had dinner with mum, bro and sis today. Dad wasn't around cause he went to 'bond' with my cousins. It has really been a long time since I had dinner with them. It's to the point where I forgot how it's like to have dinner with them. I think the last time I had dinner with them was before I was admitted to IMH and that was in April. Mum didn't cook so we ended up dining at IMM. They wanted to eat at Crystal Jade but the Crystal Jade there only sold those chinese food and not the ramen and stuff. So we went out of the restaurant. Kind of weird. Since we were already seated inside, it's like a courtesy to order something instead of just walking out. But, since everyone wanted out, who am I to say otherwise. We ended up eating somewhere else instead. My sis wanted to eat at Ajisen but mum and bro didn't want. She was silently grumbling (apparently not so silent since I could hear it) but no one actually bothered with her. So she had no choice but to catch up with us. The whole time I was with them, I was being mocked. Kind of used to it since that's how it's always like whenever I'm with them. Plus I don't deny that I'm fat and stupid. They were going on and on about how I worked for so long and actually spent the money on a new phone.

I should really go on a diet. Everyone has been telling me that I've grown fatter. It's been a long time since I actually ran, must start training again. Some people feel that I've insulted them when I say I want to go on a diet. Different people have different opinions. But when you live in a place with people who are better than you in almost every possible way, you just want to fit in. I don't want to prove that I'm better than them or whatever, I just want them to give me some peace. I know that's impossible since people have a way of pointing out others' flaws instead of trying to look at things from another perspective. Right now, all I want is just some peace to sort out my thoughts. In my family, even that is too much to ask.

[[Trapped Behind The Windows]]*|08:57|

Thursday 1 September 2011

[[Failed Outing]]

Supposed to go out with a group of friends today. Supposed to meet at 11am, but I was late by 7 mins. Informed everyone that I would be late, but in the end, I was still the earliest to reach. Supposed to be a group of 5 but it ended up with my boyfriend and I. Apparently the organizer woke up late and upon knowing that we were the only 2 there, he decided not to come since it would be awkward. He said he can go out anytime and was simply waiting for someone else to turn up first. The other guy slept until about 2pm and couldn't make it as he had a date with his girlfriend later. The last guy was out with his secondary school friends and was still with them until 4pm. In the end, we stopped waiting for them and went home.

Just kind of wondering, if the organizer felt so weird being with us, why did he still want to ask us along in the first place. I know that in this case, he would be alone with us, but it's not like we did anything else other than holding hands, which we didn't even do today. I seriously don't understand him. But it's ok, we'll respect his feelings and decision nevertheless. But he's older than us and I thought he would be mature when dealing with this kind of things. Guess I was wrong.

On the bus ride home, it suddenly dawned on me that we weren't pissed off even though he chose not to show up. I know my boyfriend was a little unhappy initially since he wouldn't be able to go home until about 7pm since he can't enter his house when no one is around. Plus he lost so many hours of sleep just cause we all could hang out together. And the organizer gave the weirdest of the reason not to show up. I mean as an organizer, even if he does feel uncomfortable, he should still show up since he was the one who wanted all of us to meet up. But nevermind, it wasn't such a bad day. We ended up walking for 3 hours, and we talked about all the different animes, mangas and storybooks. And I even managed to find 'To kill a mockingbird' after so long.

I'm damn tired, having a migraine but I just can't sleep. Head throbbing, and I have the urge to just rip my head apart. Or maybe grab something and hack my brain out. Maybe I'll feel better. Maybe not. I wouldn't know until I try. Not like I can try. My boyfriend will kill me if I ever attempt to harm myself.

Anyway, HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY to all the teachers out there! I know the children nowadays aren't as easy to teach as they used to be. Continue giving your best. And thank you to those teachers who helped me thus far. I wouldn't be able to do it without your guidance.

[[Trapped Behind The Windows]]*|04:13|